Why blended families make you a better parent.

"Mom, I hate you!"
"Mom, where are my shoes"
"Mom, she took my blanket"
Mom, Mom MOM......MOM!

I swear this weekend I heard 2,315 times "Mom!"
and 325
"Mom, tornado is ...!"

As I listened and watch Tornado vie for eveyones attention, I show restraint...and choose not to engage.  I have come to accept the way I might have dealt with Tornado is way different than my wife.  This is standard practice in our relationship, when the primary parent is engaged the "other" parent simply watches and takes notes.  Trust me...it is way better to be on the notetaking side.

Taking notes comes from a variety of sources.  Setting proper expectations based on age and gender, knowing each others parenting style, and there is the insanely stupid 10 steps for steps...like being a parent is  comparable to baking a cake.  I find reading Family Education provides the best and most common sense approach and compliments the family culture we are working hard to create...

..but I do love cake, chocolate of course...hot fudge cake, hot lava cake, triple layer cake, and yes I always struggle walking into speedway past the zingers.  I once walked into my buddies house, no one was home, lucky me found a freshly baked cake...I had two pieces.
 
Some quick background, we have a family of eight!  Joyful (10 mos, girl), Nails (10, boy)  Pleaser (12, boy), Princess (12, girl) Pleaser and Princess are twins, Tornado (5, boy) and Scorekeeper (10, girl).  I know, "Here's a story, of a lovely lady..."  Drop dead...like that has anything to do with blending a family.  My wife and I have been at this blending the family thing for 3 years...somedays there is actually a light at the end of the tunnel, there has yet to be a day that looked like the Brady Bunch.

Once we figured out our parenting styles, we began having nightly conversations about what we see in each other when we parent.  What a great way to gain insight into what is working.  I always thought I was teaching my kids about respect, kindness, love, patience and self-control. In fact, it was not uncommon for me to talk/lecture my kids about respect, but I soon realized from our nightly re-caps, that I was not calling out the dis-respect when I saw it.  Even a rolling of Princesses eyes.

There was a day I saw something amazing, I'm not sure what the exact circumstances, but one day I saw patience in my wife. The kind of patience that I have never seen before...in the midst of complete tyraid from tornado, she never lost her composure and stood her ground. She never raised her voice or even sounded mad ...and eventually he got his water and returned to bed. In that instant she taught tornado self-control, patience and understanding...not that he was going to wake up and have those qualities, but over time....he will.

So there is was for me, front and center, staring me smack dap in the face...modeling behavior.  

Instead of arguing with my kids about their behavior, I began to model.  When I point out disrespecful behaviour, I am calm, respectful and coach-like.  We openly discuss empathy.  On the other side of the disrespectful behavior is another person.  Another person, just like them, that has feelings.  Laughing at a 5 year old can be hurtful, complaining about the food in front of you hurts the chef, calling your brother stupid is hurtful, making fun of someone is hurtful. 

We have started to see progress, not so much in that we don't see disrespect anymore, but the angst between my wife and I is certainly gone.  We see it, We aknowledge it, We coach it, We punish it.

Certainly not everything is perfect.  Our blended family is full of personalities, temperments and talents that challenge us everyday.  We are learning that blended means a lot of things, but nothing is as important as blending our parenting styles to teach values to our children.

Clouds produce more than precipitation

Those of us that live in midwest, not neccessarily the geographical midwest, but the "real" midwest, the one that has all four seasons....seasons filled with snow, rain, heat, cold, flowers, green grass and miles of corn fields.  I was raised in a small midwestern town and had a Grandfather that was a tremendous farmer, I had uncles that farmed...the weather and clouds were mainstays of our conversations.  In fact, we were dependent on clouds, clouds created the neccessary weather that feed our farms.  

Its funny...I am not close to being a farmer, but finding myself in the middle of cloud discussions, has a little bit of irony for me.

I am currently going through a series of personal beta technology movements...tweeting, blogging, linkedin, and the most painful, I've moved everything I do to the cloud.  Yes...I am flying solo on a mini notebook, an Acer AS1410.  Nifty little machine that is fast, lightweight and extremely portable.  I need to give a nod to Windows 7 too...I am a fan.

So the only application I am running locally is Internet Explorer 8.  All my docs are at google, my mail is Profitabilities Hosted Exchange. My primary business application is a custom built web based tool for quoting and billing.  I wonder how many users are like me?  I do use word and excel, but google docs is sophisticated enough to handle any word processing or spreadsheeting. (spell check says not a word, beg to differ!)  Easy transition.

In just a day I gained speed and effieciencies.  I am enjoying the benefit of connecting to wifi anywhere and having everything, even if I don't have my notebook.

Long before I made the conscious decision to move everything to the cloud, I realized I've been relying on it for years.  In 2003 I began using TurboTax Online...one of the most important things a person has to do is file taxes...I do it in the cloud.  Every year my prior return is there, I log in, update, submit, done. 

Bottomline:  The cloud has been around, I need to pay closer attention, and continue to carry the family torch...watching the clouds role in.

Dear Twitter...

  
So my co-worker has been after me to give twitter a serious trial.  I committed to giving it 30 days to see if it would stick for me.  My letter to Twitter;

     Dear Twitter:

I am sorry. I have spoken so poorly of you the last 6 months. My first impression was wrong, you are not a fad, you are not annoying, you are not texting, spam, noise, wasteful or redundant, you are not a toy, you are not passing through, you are not for everyone.

You're an outlet, time saver, answerer, questioner, friendship maker, informative, inspirational, thoughtful, creative an innovative.

Are you interested in life and how it is just damn hard. A place where it is OK to be mad, mad at yourself, your kids, your partner, your job, your parents, your spouse or just trying to figure out why you're mad.  Get with a crowd on twitter.

I read a post not long ago that helped me understand the essence of twitter. It is a creative tool that allows me the freedom to explore my worlds. As a husband, dad, lover, professional, Christ seeker, all can be discussed and shared with people...real people just like me that are interested in the same things that I am.

In my first week of tweeting I found help with so many things.  Like sifting through social media outlets, I found Amber  &  Julie.  Need some good advice on sales Eric always post some great links to articles.  Do you feel compelled to take on responsiblity and test your leadership abilities? Authentic leadership will help motivate you.  Do you want to be a better Dad? You can follow Dad's that are divorced, re-married, stuggling in marriage, wanting to be married or blending families.

I am excited about the weeks ahead.  Who knows what I might be following, debating or learning.  I might even catch on to the #, FF and other symbols that mean things to most but little to newbies like myself.

Thanks Twitter!

Why twitter works...against you.

Again I have to give credit to my co-worker on this one.  He shared a tweet this week that really sums up where twitter is heading.  

Some of you might have heard the story about an over weight Hollywood executive that got kicked off of a plane for taking up too much room.  Unfortunately the airline didn't realize that this passenger had more than a million followers on twitter!  He proceeded for the next few hours to just punish the airline with his humorous anecdotes on his experience.

There is an obvious lesson here, right...something about watch what you say, or write...or post...or god forbid tweet!

Even though my trip to the bookstore has seemingly validated my new fascination with twitter.  "Twitterville", "The twitter book", "Twitter for dummies", "Twitter in 10 minutes" & "Twitter Tips" are just a few of the titles that have made there way onto the shelves in the last 7 days.  I have some concerns about me & twitter.  I realize in our new found relationship we will hit peaks and valleys, good days and bad, maybe even break up a time or two.

I need to work on managing my expectations anyway.

Seriously...what if people don't like me or what I say, or wirte...or post...or tweet.  What if I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, wear the wrong thing, parent the wrong way, husband the wrong way, or post something that just offends someone...or worse piss off someone with a gagillion followers.

How long until my kids are tweeting about what an awful parent I am...with two (2) in junior high I am accused of this often.

Are we now in such a social revolution that your reputation is based more on how your write, blog, tweet and post.  Does your twitter following carry more weight than a personal reputation?  Concerning...it takes a lifetime to build ones integrity, only to be shattered by twitters voice.  I am cautiously pressing on with you twitter...

Celebrate your parenting.

     
You might think having an X wife is painful...well it is. But it's great that we can put aside the petty squabbling about money, parenting or scheduling and still relish the little parenting victories that come our way.

About a year ago I realized I was spending too much time TALKING about values with my kids and not enough time living them.  I used the holiday season and shopping for holiday gifts as a prime "teachable" moment on the importance of giving.  Not to mention the ability to help them establishing a budget! It is always easy to talk about the importance of gift giving, but I realized taking the time to show them the process was invaluable.

Last year I decided to give them a small budget of $20 to do all of their   Christmas shopping. (Kids ages are 12, 12 and 9) I had them make a list of people they wanted to buy for and coached them on a few I thought should make the list.  We talked about how it is not the size or cost of the gift, but finding something that is unique and from the heart.  

"What makes gift giving special is to see someone's face when they realize you put time and effort into finding a special gift...just for that person", I lectured.

No question this was hard for them and for me.  It tested my patience countless times, I must have heard a dozen times each... "I can't find anything", "Everything I want is too much money"...eh.

We had to get creative and make cards for some and artwork for others, but after several trips to dollar stores, Wal-Mart and Target and the constant whining from my 12 year old daughter we finally completed our task.

Fast forward to this year we did the same thing, with about the same result, maybe a little less complaining. Amazingly our youngest son deserves a little credit, he was so proud of the little things he found, even a $1 fragrance candle for the cleaning lady!

For his Mom's and Step Dad's birthday (They are only a few days apart…trust me, it has take a long time to set aside my pride and shop for their Step Dad!) he decided on some Starbucks ground coffee. He recognized that his Mom always enjoyed the "treat" of getting Starbucks and thought it would make a great gift to give. Little did he know that the night he gave them the gift, his Mom & Step Dad drove past Starbucks and were discussing what a treat it might be to try the ground Starbucks from the grocery store! You can imagine the look on their face when they opened his gift.

That night while he was being tucked in he said, " he loves giving gifts and watching the person's face when they open it. He's nervous for a minute because he's not sure if they'll like what he picked out, but they when they do he feels really good."

For those of us who beat ourselves up for some of our parenting shortcomings...sit back and celebrate your victories too.

Family Traditions

We have all been through our share of family traditions over the last few weeks. I love family traditions, cutting down our Christmas tree, annual ski day, and camping are a few of mine. As parents we hope these traditions are carried forward. This year we added tradition that my parents gave me when I was a child…it just took me a long time to apply it!

My kids have been through an emotional roller coaster over the last 6 years and in my humble opinion they are quite remarkable. Consider living through divorce, remarriages, step parents, step siblings, different homes, different rules etc.

I often wondered how I could possibly contribute to my kids having a better life than what my parents provided me, considering all the noise that surrounds their lives.

I was quite lucky to grow up in a small town, roaming the woods, alleys and riding my bike across town were just things I did. My parents love me; they prepared me for life, taught me to be responsible and respectful, and taught me about Gods love and the ultimate gift of Grace.

I can’t tell you how I fell into the trap of selfish love. Maybe it was because as a child I felt like I never got what I wanted, a bmx bike or motorcycle. Doesn’t Freud suggest all our adult issues relate back to our relationship with our parents?

Selfish love is easy. Oscar Wilde said, “Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.”

Things that make me feel good are easy to find… golf trips, drinking, sex, and money. Perusing night clubs for women was fun and exciting. Enjoying beers with friends was comfortable and made me feel accepted. Having titles and money made me feel important. Having empathy for others was not on my radar screen.

God’s love is Hard. God teaches us Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-control. What we sometimes fail to understand…this is what God wants us to GIVE to others.

It takes a lot of wisdom to understand what creating a better life for our children really means and I understand it means different things to different people. For me, the focus has shifted from the material world to the spiritual world. If my job as a parent is providing a solid foundation that will support them throughout their lives… teaching Gods love is a must.