Why blended families make you a better parent.

"Mom, I hate you!"
"Mom, where are my shoes"
"Mom, she took my blanket"
Mom, Mom MOM......MOM!

I swear this weekend I heard 2,315 times "Mom!"
and 325
"Mom, tornado is ...!"

As I listened and watch Tornado vie for eveyones attention, I show restraint...and choose not to engage.  I have come to accept the way I might have dealt with Tornado is way different than my wife.  This is standard practice in our relationship, when the primary parent is engaged the "other" parent simply watches and takes notes.  Trust me...it is way better to be on the notetaking side.

Taking notes comes from a variety of sources.  Setting proper expectations based on age and gender, knowing each others parenting style, and there is the insanely stupid 10 steps for steps...like being a parent is  comparable to baking a cake.  I find reading Family Education provides the best and most common sense approach and compliments the family culture we are working hard to create...

..but I do love cake, chocolate of course...hot fudge cake, hot lava cake, triple layer cake, and yes I always struggle walking into speedway past the zingers.  I once walked into my buddies house, no one was home, lucky me found a freshly baked cake...I had two pieces.
 
Some quick background, we have a family of eight!  Joyful (10 mos, girl), Nails (10, boy)  Pleaser (12, boy), Princess (12, girl) Pleaser and Princess are twins, Tornado (5, boy) and Scorekeeper (10, girl).  I know, "Here's a story, of a lovely lady..."  Drop dead...like that has anything to do with blending a family.  My wife and I have been at this blending the family thing for 3 years...somedays there is actually a light at the end of the tunnel, there has yet to be a day that looked like the Brady Bunch.

Once we figured out our parenting styles, we began having nightly conversations about what we see in each other when we parent.  What a great way to gain insight into what is working.  I always thought I was teaching my kids about respect, kindness, love, patience and self-control. In fact, it was not uncommon for me to talk/lecture my kids about respect, but I soon realized from our nightly re-caps, that I was not calling out the dis-respect when I saw it.  Even a rolling of Princesses eyes.

There was a day I saw something amazing, I'm not sure what the exact circumstances, but one day I saw patience in my wife. The kind of patience that I have never seen before...in the midst of complete tyraid from tornado, she never lost her composure and stood her ground. She never raised her voice or even sounded mad ...and eventually he got his water and returned to bed. In that instant she taught tornado self-control, patience and understanding...not that he was going to wake up and have those qualities, but over time....he will.

So there is was for me, front and center, staring me smack dap in the face...modeling behavior.  

Instead of arguing with my kids about their behavior, I began to model.  When I point out disrespecful behaviour, I am calm, respectful and coach-like.  We openly discuss empathy.  On the other side of the disrespectful behavior is another person.  Another person, just like them, that has feelings.  Laughing at a 5 year old can be hurtful, complaining about the food in front of you hurts the chef, calling your brother stupid is hurtful, making fun of someone is hurtful. 

We have started to see progress, not so much in that we don't see disrespect anymore, but the angst between my wife and I is certainly gone.  We see it, We aknowledge it, We coach it, We punish it.

Certainly not everything is perfect.  Our blended family is full of personalities, temperments and talents that challenge us everyday.  We are learning that blended means a lot of things, but nothing is as important as blending our parenting styles to teach values to our children.

Why twitter works...against you.

Again I have to give credit to my co-worker on this one.  He shared a tweet this week that really sums up where twitter is heading.  

Some of you might have heard the story about an over weight Hollywood executive that got kicked off of a plane for taking up too much room.  Unfortunately the airline didn't realize that this passenger had more than a million followers on twitter!  He proceeded for the next few hours to just punish the airline with his humorous anecdotes on his experience.

There is an obvious lesson here, right...something about watch what you say, or write...or post...or god forbid tweet!

Even though my trip to the bookstore has seemingly validated my new fascination with twitter.  "Twitterville", "The twitter book", "Twitter for dummies", "Twitter in 10 minutes" & "Twitter Tips" are just a few of the titles that have made there way onto the shelves in the last 7 days.  I have some concerns about me & twitter.  I realize in our new found relationship we will hit peaks and valleys, good days and bad, maybe even break up a time or two.

I need to work on managing my expectations anyway.

Seriously...what if people don't like me or what I say, or wirte...or post...or tweet.  What if I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, wear the wrong thing, parent the wrong way, husband the wrong way, or post something that just offends someone...or worse piss off someone with a gagillion followers.

How long until my kids are tweeting about what an awful parent I am...with two (2) in junior high I am accused of this often.

Are we now in such a social revolution that your reputation is based more on how your write, blog, tweet and post.  Does your twitter following carry more weight than a personal reputation?  Concerning...it takes a lifetime to build ones integrity, only to be shattered by twitters voice.  I am cautiously pressing on with you twitter...

Family Traditions

We have all been through our share of family traditions over the last few weeks. I love family traditions, cutting down our Christmas tree, annual ski day, and camping are a few of mine. As parents we hope these traditions are carried forward. This year we added tradition that my parents gave me when I was a child…it just took me a long time to apply it!

My kids have been through an emotional roller coaster over the last 6 years and in my humble opinion they are quite remarkable. Consider living through divorce, remarriages, step parents, step siblings, different homes, different rules etc.

I often wondered how I could possibly contribute to my kids having a better life than what my parents provided me, considering all the noise that surrounds their lives.

I was quite lucky to grow up in a small town, roaming the woods, alleys and riding my bike across town were just things I did. My parents love me; they prepared me for life, taught me to be responsible and respectful, and taught me about Gods love and the ultimate gift of Grace.

I can’t tell you how I fell into the trap of selfish love. Maybe it was because as a child I felt like I never got what I wanted, a bmx bike or motorcycle. Doesn’t Freud suggest all our adult issues relate back to our relationship with our parents?

Selfish love is easy. Oscar Wilde said, “Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.”

Things that make me feel good are easy to find… golf trips, drinking, sex, and money. Perusing night clubs for women was fun and exciting. Enjoying beers with friends was comfortable and made me feel accepted. Having titles and money made me feel important. Having empathy for others was not on my radar screen.

God’s love is Hard. God teaches us Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-control. What we sometimes fail to understand…this is what God wants us to GIVE to others.

It takes a lot of wisdom to understand what creating a better life for our children really means and I understand it means different things to different people. For me, the focus has shifted from the material world to the spiritual world. If my job as a parent is providing a solid foundation that will support them throughout their lives… teaching Gods love is a must.