Why blended families make you a better parent.

"Mom, I hate you!"
"Mom, where are my shoes"
"Mom, she took my blanket"
Mom, Mom MOM......MOM!

I swear this weekend I heard 2,315 times "Mom!"
and 325
"Mom, tornado is ...!"

As I listened and watch Tornado vie for eveyones attention, I show restraint...and choose not to engage.  I have come to accept the way I might have dealt with Tornado is way different than my wife.  This is standard practice in our relationship, when the primary parent is engaged the "other" parent simply watches and takes notes.  Trust me...it is way better to be on the notetaking side.

Taking notes comes from a variety of sources.  Setting proper expectations based on age and gender, knowing each others parenting style, and there is the insanely stupid 10 steps for steps...like being a parent is  comparable to baking a cake.  I find reading Family Education provides the best and most common sense approach and compliments the family culture we are working hard to create...

..but I do love cake, chocolate of course...hot fudge cake, hot lava cake, triple layer cake, and yes I always struggle walking into speedway past the zingers.  I once walked into my buddies house, no one was home, lucky me found a freshly baked cake...I had two pieces.
 
Some quick background, we have a family of eight!  Joyful (10 mos, girl), Nails (10, boy)  Pleaser (12, boy), Princess (12, girl) Pleaser and Princess are twins, Tornado (5, boy) and Scorekeeper (10, girl).  I know, "Here's a story, of a lovely lady..."  Drop dead...like that has anything to do with blending a family.  My wife and I have been at this blending the family thing for 3 years...somedays there is actually a light at the end of the tunnel, there has yet to be a day that looked like the Brady Bunch.

Once we figured out our parenting styles, we began having nightly conversations about what we see in each other when we parent.  What a great way to gain insight into what is working.  I always thought I was teaching my kids about respect, kindness, love, patience and self-control. In fact, it was not uncommon for me to talk/lecture my kids about respect, but I soon realized from our nightly re-caps, that I was not calling out the dis-respect when I saw it.  Even a rolling of Princesses eyes.

There was a day I saw something amazing, I'm not sure what the exact circumstances, but one day I saw patience in my wife. The kind of patience that I have never seen before...in the midst of complete tyraid from tornado, she never lost her composure and stood her ground. She never raised her voice or even sounded mad ...and eventually he got his water and returned to bed. In that instant she taught tornado self-control, patience and understanding...not that he was going to wake up and have those qualities, but over time....he will.

So there is was for me, front and center, staring me smack dap in the face...modeling behavior.  

Instead of arguing with my kids about their behavior, I began to model.  When I point out disrespecful behaviour, I am calm, respectful and coach-like.  We openly discuss empathy.  On the other side of the disrespectful behavior is another person.  Another person, just like them, that has feelings.  Laughing at a 5 year old can be hurtful, complaining about the food in front of you hurts the chef, calling your brother stupid is hurtful, making fun of someone is hurtful. 

We have started to see progress, not so much in that we don't see disrespect anymore, but the angst between my wife and I is certainly gone.  We see it, We aknowledge it, We coach it, We punish it.

Certainly not everything is perfect.  Our blended family is full of personalities, temperments and talents that challenge us everyday.  We are learning that blended means a lot of things, but nothing is as important as blending our parenting styles to teach values to our children.